I am not entirely sure where to start so I will just begin…
Lately my life feels like a tidal wave, I can see it coming but I can’t get away. There is no high ground to climb for safety. All I can try and do is hold on and wait for the water to roll out again. I am sure many of you feel the same way right now…
So much has happened since the pandemic hit. I had a job, then got sent home for a month, which wasn’t a break because I was homeschooling three kids and doing a terrible job at it, although they did all pass, so hand clap to me? Then I went back to work, but it was too hard to maintain with the kids and their needs (after such a huge change to their lives – from being able to socialize to staying at home) so now I am just working the store – hoping I can find a remote job since no one still knows what is going on with schools this fall and if I would able to even commit to time in an office.
And all the while I feel the weight of the water above me, trying to hold on to anything, any lifeline to keep me afloat, as I slowly feel like I am drowning.
I have been so down lately, which isn’t like me at all. Normally I am the biggest optimist, but the emotions are flooding me, constantly washing over and through me, threatening me.
There are truths and stories bursting out of me but I can’t seem to find the words. I have time but I can’t focus on writing. Instead I sit and pick my nails, wondering what’s next.
I put myself on antidepressants to try and get through it all. (ain’t no shame in the mental health game) That barely helps. And the wave keeps coming.
I think the fear of the unknown is stunting my personal growth. I feel like I can almost grab on to something, anything, to pull me out of this but I don’t have the strength to hold on. People will say we should have accomplished something during the quarantine, but to those of us who aren’t it feels especially daunting to even continue trying.
I read this quote:
I see the value in the quote, but it hurts. It hurts that I feel like I am wasting this time and opportunity to reset. And maybe I am resetting and shifting and growing, but I still question it, and it’s painful.
After years of therapy the main thing I got out of it was that “I am good enough”. Maybe I don’t have to change the world, be brilliant, be perfect, be whatever someone else wants me to be. Maybe I need to quiet the voice inside that is guilting me to be who everyone else wants me to be and just be ok being myself.
Maybe if I let go of the expectations the water will recede and I will be able to breathe again.