Was it worth it?

lauren grad

I am now almost two months out from graduating college after 20 years of trying to attain this goal. And while it feels good to finally accomplish that, I am left wondering ‘now what?’. I realize that I live pretty much in the middle of nowhere but there are jobs within a 30-minute radius of me and many of them are pretty good jobs. I have interviewed for a few but I am never the chosen one.

I keep telling myself that it obviously wasn’t the right one and something will come along, but it stings a little bit. Perhaps I shouldn’t have chosen such a lofty mid-life crisis. Hah!

I busted my brain trying to finish as quickly as I could – often maxing out credits and attending two schools just to get through it. I took my family on this crazy ride and they supported and helped me – even to their own detriment sometimes. They believed in me and I wish I could believe in myself like that.

The struggle is real, tho. It is very hard to find a job. Maybe I should have stayed where I was, content to be looked-over when it came to promotions and raises, but I believed there was more to my life than that. Maybe that’s the fallacy of being told you can be whatever you want to be. Maybe there is an expiration date on dreaming. Who knows.

I guess in the long run it will be worth it, but right now I am wondering if it was the right choice. I feel like a failure. This experiment didn’t turn out as I had hoped.

Yes, I still believe in following your dreams. I will still teach my kids to believe in themselves. A big problem I tend to have is leaping before I look. I just go for it, unaware of what pitfalls may become me. I took the road less traveled – left security behind – because I believed there was more for me in this life. Maybe there is. Maybe the job I thought I had will call me back, but it’s been over a week since I took all the tests and I haven’t heard back on a start date. Maybe they will call tomorrow. Who’s to say.

I will keep on keepin’ on because it’s what I do best, but the seams are starting to unravel. All the stars are so far away!! I wanted a degree so I would be passed over because of my merit and it wouldn’t be a degree standing in my way. Now I wonder if I had any merit in the first place, and maybe I was just lucky to have a job at all…

Anywho, enough. Pull up my pants and keep trying! I am not looking for sympathy or having a pity party. I just needed to get that off my chest and be real for a minute.

I truly believe the feat I accomplished was worth it, and I learned more in the last year and a half than I have in a very long time, I guess I just expected more immediate results. 😉