Was it worth it?

lauren grad

I am now almost two months out from graduating college after 20 years of trying to attain this goal. And while it feels good to finally accomplish that, I am left wondering ‘now what?’. I realize that I live pretty much in the middle of nowhere but there are jobs within a 30-minute radius of me and many of them are pretty good jobs. I have interviewed for a few but I am never the chosen one.

I keep telling myself that it obviously wasn’t the right one and something will come along, but it stings a little bit. Perhaps I shouldn’t have chosen such a lofty mid-life crisis. Hah!

I busted my brain trying to finish as quickly as I could – often maxing out credits and attending two schools just to get through it. I took my family on this crazy ride and they supported and helped me – even to their own detriment sometimes. They believed in me and I wish I could believe in myself like that.

The struggle is real, tho. It is very hard to find a job. Maybe I should have stayed where I was, content to be looked-over when it came to promotions and raises, but I believed there was more to my life than that. Maybe that’s the fallacy of being told you can be whatever you want to be. Maybe there is an expiration date on dreaming. Who knows.

I guess in the long run it will be worth it, but right now I am wondering if it was the right choice. I feel like a failure. This experiment didn’t turn out as I had hoped.

Yes, I still believe in following your dreams. I will still teach my kids to believe in themselves. A big problem I tend to have is leaping before I look. I just go for it, unaware of what pitfalls may become me. I took the road less traveled – left security behind – because I believed there was more for me in this life. Maybe there is. Maybe the job I thought I had will call me back, but it’s been over a week since I took all the tests and I haven’t heard back on a start date. Maybe they will call tomorrow. Who’s to say.

I will keep on keepin’ on because it’s what I do best, but the seams are starting to unravel. All the stars are so far away!! I wanted a degree so I would be passed over because of my merit and it wouldn’t be a degree standing in my way. Now I wonder if I had any merit in the first place, and maybe I was just lucky to have a job at all…

Anywho, enough. Pull up my pants and keep trying! I am not looking for sympathy or having a pity party. I just needed to get that off my chest and be real for a minute.

I truly believe the feat I accomplished was worth it, and I learned more in the last year and a half than I have in a very long time, I guess I just expected more immediate results. 😉

Back to School at 37…

I am finally doing it – fulfilling my dream of finishing my bachelor degree!

It is quite different this time around, with almost 20 years of adult life experience to base my learning on. I see now how some classes I didn’t think made any sense to the degree-path actually are important. The classes I am taking all fit together in some way and reinforce what I am learning. It’s pretty neat, actually, to understand it now. The class that terrified me, Public Speaking, now barely makes me bat my eye. I chose to go to Metro State College of Denver previously because they allowed you to skip public speaking if you took an upper-level language course. (I took German because I already knew it from having lived there growing up)

Now I see why it is so important… In my previous job at the Wyoming DOT I worked in the right of way department and was involved with the public, from private meetings with landowners to public meetings with sometimes most of the town. I was always so very nervous. I think if I hadn’t been so scared of this class oh-so-long ago it might have benefitted me in my job.

It is odd being in class with people that could be my kids – in fact, they are closer in age to my oldest child – but I feel that maybe I have something they can learn from me as well.

However, the campus is huge and I am feeling it in my old muscles! I pretty much need to stretch when I get to school – haha! That wasn’t a problem almost 20 years ago…

I have also been taking advantage of resources on campus this time around – from the career center to activities with other students. I was too shy before to do those things. Now I am old and don’t care. 🙂

It makes me sad I wasn’t able to get my degree until now, due to life and other circumstances, but persistence is an amazing thing and I am showing my kids you can do anything no matter how old you are.

I have 13 classes left on my degree and I am so, so excited! Fingers crossed my brain can do it!

This is the picture of the 2nd day of 15th/16th grade my cousin made me take.

Fun Times with BLAQ Meteor Shower Scrub ;)

I currently subscribe to ipsy, and in the past, I received Birchbox as well. Overall I am really pleased with what has been sent to me that I have tried out. One product, however, has left me scratching my head…

I received BLAQ ‘meteor shower’ body scrub in one of these subscription beauty boxes a few months ago. I will be the first to admit that I sometimes take a while to try things out when I get the items, so I am not entirely sure which service this product came from.

When I first looked at the product I thought it was one of the coolest things I had ever seen. Made from real meteorites!! Holy cow! I am holding space stuff in my very own Earth hand!! This is so neat!!!!!!

I had read the directions before I tried to use this far-out gunk from the beyond so I felt pretty confident in what to expect. It feels a little like that kinetic sand stuff which is so fun to squish and squelch.

Once I attempted to attain a groovy, meteorific glow I realized it was much more difficult to achieve. Now, I don’t know if it was because it sat around for who knows how long before I tried it (at least a couple months) or if it is the most radical stuff on Earth, but it was out-of-this-world interesting. And that is putting it mildly.

I followed the directions. I rubbed it onto my skin in gentle circular motions. I stuck my skin under the shower water for a minute. and another minute. and another minute.

You guys – It. Does. Not. Come. Off. Like, really really really doesn’t come off. Perhaps the secret to the glowing and radiant success is how hard you have to rub your skin to sort of make it look like you didn’t fall into a tar pit.

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It was everywhere. I couldn’t get clean. The shower couldn’t get clean. Even after a thorough scrubbing, with more body wash and soap, I don’t feel clean. I don’t look clean. I look like I am bruised and I feel sticky.

I don’t even get this dirty-looking after a week of camping. And this was as clean as I could make myself. Oh boy.

Although, on further inspection, I do have a bit of meteor glow to me!! The problem is that I am neither a tin man nor space alien and being silver doesn’t blend in.

I do recommend this product as a party trick! It was fun, and the concept is neat-o, but unless I am using wrong it won’t make you clean!! I will give them their claim of ‘ethereal glow’ because you will look like you are not from this planet and took a trip down here from outer space. There is also some shimmer left after all is said and done.

To be honest, this is the second time I tried it with the same outcome. I had to share the results with pictures because the first time I thought maybe it was a fluke or this was too amusing to keep to myself. 🙂

*Update – I am still a nice shade of grey the next morning. 😉

 

Silence

I have been quiet for far too long. I have kept silent when I wanted to scream. I have been beat down, dragged through the mud, been lied about, been lied to, and through it all I maintain my composure and my smile. I don’t lie about the past and try and hide. I stupidly still try and protect people who hurt me.

I have had a full-on war waged against me by a person who can never be wrong. I have tried to stay above it and stay positive. I have been so hurt by people who said they loved me. I manage to forgive. I forgive until I can’t anymore. I sit back and take it no matter how badly it hurts me because I know I am a better and stronger person. I foolishly think people will keep their word and don’t want to hurt me like I keep mine and don’t want to hurt them.

I have been betrayed by people I thought cared about me. I have lost friends when I never asked anyone to pick sides. The ugliness does not come from me.

I tell myself all the time that the people who mind don’t matter and the people who know me know better. But it is exhausting defending myself against something I didn’t create and didn’t ask for.

I blindly trusted and believed. That is where I went wrong. My heart is big and my need to trust is high and almost unending. I turn the other cheek and never see things coming from the other direction. I don’t speak ill of other people if I can help it, but at what point do you not get to defend yourself? Why does one person have all the power and control and the other person has to shut up and take it? Why is the louder person the one who gets heard? Why do people have to be nasty to get their way?

Some people leave behind them a trail of destruction. They move on and don’t care who they hurt because they choose not to see that their words and actions are atrociously painful. It’s like a tornado that destoys and disappears, never knowing the damage left behind. It will catch up to them. Lies are very hard to keep straight. Eventually the liar doesn’t even know the truth anymore and can’t see it when they are looking straight at it.

I haven’t said anything for years. I shut up, put my head down, tried to do the right thing, and I am paid back in the worst possible ways.

Nothing I write is untrue. The book I could write would be thick. I have stayed silent until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I realize by writing my thoughts and feelings I may be opening more doors for abuse, but it is what it is. I have grown so weary of biting my tongue when others can say whatever they want about me to whomever will listen.

Enough is enough.