Bully Bull

I had a fun-filled weekend as usual. Saturday morning some of the cows were out – they decided they preferred the alfalfa field – and then spent an hour running all over the place before politely going back to the gate to the pasture. What nice cows. On Sunday morning, with that nice cool weather, I decided it was time for some exercise. I put my hiking boots on and went for a wander but the universe decided it was time for more cow capers. The pleasant walk lasted all of maybe 10 minutes. Apparently the bull didn’t like the fact I was in ‘his’ yard. He was stealthy as a ninja about it though. By the time I noticed him I had to go pretty fast to get back over the fence. He was a good 500 feet from me when I think he noticed me (if I look closely in some of the pictures I took he is pretty far away and I had no idea he was there) and he covered that distance quickly. Got my heart racing a little and I decided to scratch professional bullfighting off of my list of future career endeavors.

He is 3/4 mile away – black speck to the upper left…
1/2 mile away just a few minutes later
I looked up, he was not happy and almost in my face. Hoped the fence and on to a hay bale… he hates me!!

I I learned that day that cows can run 35 mph. I have no desire to test that again.

What happened?

I started writing a column for our local paper and I thought you might enjoy what I have been up to since August. 🙂 these next posts are what were published.

8/12/2021: I was so excited to see rain last weekend! I have been fighting off some illness for the last month so I haven’t been my usual self and I could not keep up with the gardens. I watered as best I could, but that just meant the weeds were out of control. Whatever it is I acquired has settled in my ears, leaving me dizzy, off-balance, and exhausted. With the hope of rain, some friends came over and helped get the weeds under control. And, as is the never-ending cycle of gardening, some of the plants weren’t happy being disturbed and curled their leaves up at me. I watered – they were still mad. When the first drops started falling I cheered a little out loud. And, since I like to share my misadventures with you all as well, I have pumpkins in August. Maybe next year I will plant on a schedule and not play roulette with the garden by actually labeling things. But I probably won’t because that would be the sensible thing to do.

Like a Tidal Wave – Never Ending.

I am not entirely sure where to start so I will just begin…

Lately my life feels like a tidal wave, I can see it coming but I can’t get away. There is no high ground to climb for safety. All I can try and do is hold on and wait for the water to roll out again. I am sure many of you feel the same way right now…

tidal wave dream: meaning behind a tsunami dream | WellBeing ...
Click the image for a link to tidal wave dreams.

So much has happened since the pandemic hit. I had a job, then got sent home for a month, which wasn’t a break because I was homeschooling three kids and doing a terrible job at it, although they did all pass, so hand clap to me? Then I went back to work, but it was too hard to maintain with the kids and their needs (after such a huge change to their lives – from being able to socialize to staying at home) so now I am just working the store – hoping I can find a remote job since no one still knows what is going on with schools this fall and if I would able to even commit to time in an office.

And all the while I feel the weight of the water above me, trying to hold on to anything, any lifeline to keep me afloat, as I slowly feel like I am drowning.

I have been so down lately, which isn’t like me at all. Normally I am the biggest optimist, but the emotions are flooding me, constantly washing over and through me, threatening me.

There are truths and stories bursting out of me but I can’t seem to find the words. I have time but I can’t focus on writing. Instead I sit and pick my nails, wondering what’s next.

I put myself on antidepressants to try and get through it all. (ain’t no shame in the mental health game) That barely helps. And the wave keeps coming.

I think the fear of the unknown is stunting my personal growth. I feel like I can almost grab on to something, anything, to pull me out of this but I don’t have the strength to hold on. People will say we should have accomplished something during the quarantine, but to those of us who aren’t it feels especially daunting to even continue trying.

I read this quote:

If you're not using this time to rest, reset, and prioritize your ...
Why is it torture? Why can’t I take advantage of this time I have been given?

I see the value in the quote, but it hurts. It hurts that I feel like I am wasting this time and opportunity to reset. And maybe I am resetting and shifting and growing, but I still question it, and it’s painful.

After years of therapy the main thing I got out of it was that “I am good enough”. Maybe I don’t have to change the world, be brilliant, be perfect, be whatever someone else wants me to be. Maybe I need to quiet the voice inside that is guilting me to be who everyone else wants me to be and just be ok being myself.

Maybe if I let go of the expectations the water will recede and I will be able to breathe again.